After a series of outbursts on tumblr, they finally come to a finale…
Through pain, God allows me to see the beauty that was eclipsed.
He’s allowing more insight into my desire to serve his kingdom and also revealing what is truly lacking in my naive prayer request of allowing me to go empty-handed, with nothing but love, to go anyplace where I can love the motherless, the fatherless, the throw aways, the lost lambs of God.
This “love” that is so abstract, that seemed so easy, so simple, was in fact a Herculean effort in disguise. God has been showing me, that in order to go anywhere, I first need to know what love is.
I here before confess my prideful heart. I thought I knew what love was. The portrayal of love from media, that squishy, cuddly, shiny beam of radiance (whatever that means), the love my parents and best friends show me, the love I thought I had…that was love. boom. crystal clear.
yeah they are all forms of love, but they are inadequate forms of love if I want to serve God’s kingdom without anything on me but just love. God has been showing me that in order to love these children who were thrown away, who have been hurt beyond what anything on this earth could patch back together, I first need to know how to love with a love that isn’t from this earth. I need to know how to love with God’s love. Like…how God loves me.
That gooey smushy love that media portrays? It’s an illusion, a fantasy for a society with over half of the population getting a divorce, with a surging rate of teenage births and abortions. The love my parents and best friends show me? We all know how we fight and get on each other’s nerves like no other at times. The love I thought I possess? Lol…I’m ashamed so I won’t even go there.
But the point is, the love that God loves me with, it’s…unconditional. Always forgiving. Always understanding. Patient, kind, unreasonable..and quite incomprehensible. This is the definition of love. It’s with this love that I must love those children. Only this love can be perpetual, everlasting, and healing.
Definitely a precious lesson learned, but still difficult to execute.
Pray for me that I can possess this love.
& I also thank God for showing me, uncovering a layer by layer from my ignorant eyes, so that I can see a bit more of what He sees.
God I need your help. desperately.madly. or else I might just burst and die from all these emotions building up inside of me. God I need you. You said you are there with me. So give me peace. God I need you. help me. help me. help me. God you promised you were here with me. Let me know. Give me peace. Give me love. Fill me up with your love. Love that is patient, love that is kind, love that keeps record of no wrongdoings. Give me your love. Help me to love like you love me. Remind me of the love I am loved by.
Satan you sneaky…
Okay. So I’ve been noticing patterns….every time, after I pray, Satan tries to play me in the stupidest ways. Yeah, that’s right. I called you stupid Satan, because you aren’t being subtle at all.
The first couple of times, I let you slip into my heart, tearing it apart, wreaking havoc, bringing all of my insecurities and doubts to the point that it was unbearable.
But I know better, because every time that happens, every time I want to give up, every time I tell God I won’t go one step further if He’s not with me, God reassures me that He is with me.
And you know what? I’m going to fight you, because I want this just as much as God wants me to want this.
"What God has brought together, let man not separate."
Satan, you’re done playing me, because I have this super card called “God, my father” who can whoop your ass any day, any time.
So let me see you walk away with your tail between your legs. Das righttt. good bye.
가끔은 포기하고싶을때가 있다.
그게 공부든, 꿈이든, 친구/가족 관계든, 무엇이든.
그냥 어절땐 주저앉고싶을때가 있다. 그냥 힘없이 나를 이르켜줄수있는 사람만 기다리면서..어쩔땐 그런 사람이 나타날 기대도없이, 희망도 없이 그냥 주저 앉아있는다.
하지만 항상 그럴때면 하나님이 생각난다
내가 힘없어, 눈물 가득찬 눈으로 하나님을 바라볼땐, 하나님이 팔을 활짝 벌리면서, 나를 따듯한 눈으로 바라보시면서 언능 달려오시라고 한다
어쩔땐 너무 힘이 없어서 그냥 하나님을 주저앉은 상태에서만 바라본다…일어나는 시간이 오래걸릴때가있다…하지만 내가 주저할때 하나님의 간절한 눈빛이 나를 움직인다…일어나는것은 천천히 시작됬지만…서서히 내 발자국에 속도가 붗는다..그리고 난 하나님의 팔의 안겨 엉엉 운다…모든 걱정과 근심, 아픔, 다 쏟아버린다…하나님을 와락 안으면서 난 위로받는다..모든게 괜찮아지는 느낌이다
Today, I shared with Peter about my testimony & how God has worked in my life especially in high school.
I think I rambled on for a good 3 hours with him just listening, and I felt just so happy and proud to share about the God I know.
He said as I was talking, the holy spirit inside him was screaming, “she’s the one.”
It’s quite amazing and incredible how perfect God’s gifts are in our lives. I feel like I may be staring into the eyes of my future husband.
Last night, I watched “The Notebook” with Jemm, Peter, Andrew, and Daniel. We all shared different opinions about the passionate love story of Allie and Noah…
Jemm & I, (like the typical, fantasizing girls) were squealing with delight and holding our breaths as Allie & Noah’s love story started, unfolded, complicated, and resolved.
Andrew on the other hand scoffed and said the movie was fake, that no guy on this earth will take that much crap from a girl, and Peter was ambivalent.
Though Peter thought Allie and Noah’s love was beautiful, he didn’t like how irresponsible their love was…because of their irresponsibility, they incurred so much hurt in the people who loved them (like Martha & Allie’s fiancee, Lawn?Lan?)
Regardless of what everyone thought, I think we pretty much concurred in our silence that the last scene of the Notebook was utterly beautiful….so precious…I think every girl dreams of being loved like Allie was loved by Noah, and every guy dreams of finding a girl they could love as much as Noah loved Allie…
well, it’s really weird, but..I think I found my Noah.
I know I can be dramatic, and I know I can over exaggerate at times, but I never lied to myself about such thing as love. I was like Andrew. I thought that the Allie & Noah’s love could only exist in movies…that there was no way someone could love, and be in love, that much.
Well, I was wrong.
I really believe it was God who sent Peter into my life, and me into Peter’s life when we needed each other the most…Each and every day I am surprised, and shocked, how much Peter complements me even in the most subtle ways, up to the point I feel like God created Peter especially for me.
Though we haven’t even known each other for a long time, we’re already so serious about each other, and wow, I can’t describe in words the extent I am loved by Peter. I feel like that much love has to come from God…I don’t think any human-created emotion can be like that…
Whether God has sent Peter into my life temporarily or permanently,
I’m just so thankful that God has allowed this love story to unfold in my life.
from september to may
I’m not a girl who wakes up an hour before class to dress up & put on make up every morning to look good.
I’m a girl who gets up ten minutes before class, puts on sweats that were on the floor while grabbing a random hoodie from my wardrobe.
When I realized that people treat me differently by the way I dress, I kind of gave up dressing up all together. If someone is embarrassed to approach me or be seen with me by the clothes I am wearing, that person is not seeing me for who I am.
My clothes does not define the person I am, the thoughts I think, the dreams I dream. My clothes does not make me a better person. It does not change who I am.
& so I figured the only way to distinguish genuine friendship is by just being me.I’m just that kind of a girl, who values comfort more than societal judgment. I apologize to my friends who had/have to deal with my all-year-round comfortable attire, but I also thank you guys for seeing me for who I am.
Respecting me, choosing to spend time with me, and loving me for the very person I am, and not who I appear to be.
A little over a month ago, I met a guy. Since two years ago when I broke up with my boyfriend, this guy is the first guy who made me seriously think about dating again. As horrible as it may sound, since my breakup, I never treated guys seriously. Light flirtation was fun for me as long as it didn’t get serious. I didn’t want commitment, but most of all I couldn’t trust guys. To me, they were all the same and I wrapped thousands of barbed wires around my heart and vowed I will never give the keys to anyone.
But this guy..I don’t know why God sent him into my life, and how he managed to squeeze through my wires.
Even though he sees me only in my sweater/sweatpants, he tells me I am the prettiest girl he knows. He’s not saying it just because it’s what a girl would want to hear, but more than his words, his eyes tell me the truth behind his words.
I’m beautiful in his eyes, because he sees me for who I am beyond my clothes. He values me for the person I am, the thoughts I think, the dreams I dream.
He’s different. Though he himself is so vulnerable, he treats me with so much care, as if I’m so fragile and delicate he’s afraid to hurt me even a little bit.
I don’t know. It’s a crazy feeling, and I’m still doubtful whether such thing is possible.
I thought that kind of love existed only in movies.
God is so humorous…God is so good
I love God.
He’s so…teasing, but I love God. He’s amazing.
Just had to let that out. Will elaborate more later (hopefully) if I ever find the time.
My heart is bursting for God.
I am so thankful.
I am in love.
It’s really confusing.
It’s really weird.
maybe, just maybe, if I purposely hurt myself over and over again, one day i’ll stop hurting. maybe one day i’ll get used to it and stop feeling. then maybe it won’t be so bad anymore. maybe then it won’t hurt so much anymore.